Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*