GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
You Might Also Like
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday