If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Lucky old June.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme