You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
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“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
When your man makes a valid point
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Good morning!
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?