Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.