Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Mornin
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages