I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
My god she’s good.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.