Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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“what’s it like having a sister?”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
guilty
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over