Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.