April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”