Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’M CRYINGGG
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.