when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
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Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
when someone compliments me