Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
courtroom exchange of the day
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.