Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
What kind of a cult is this?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.