Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Möther may I have a snäck
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
live, laugh, laundry.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
They’re on their honeymoon
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying