“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
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the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station