Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
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What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
it’s a van. how do they not know this
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.