Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Worth a try
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Every. Damn. Time.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.