waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
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Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.