If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.