Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.