If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Realize this:
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
dam girl
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Real House Wines.