Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
You Might Also Like
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Yup.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.