There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
You Might Also Like
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*