This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My beach vacation Google searches
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy