Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me My dog
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!