On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.