My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
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People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car