I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.