Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I WON A HAM TODAY
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.