I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.