I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
You Might Also Like
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
#NeverForget
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played