[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
🙄😏😂🤣
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈