[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
This dude got his own movie?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
what are they serving at kfc then???
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
This one’s “Alex”.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.