Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The struggle is real.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely