$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets