The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You Might Also Like
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me too, bag. Me too….
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.