Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
You Might Also Like
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
What kind of a cult is this?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that