It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
What flavor cupcake are these
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Breaking news:
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo