Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
You Might Also Like
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.