Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Y’all know who you are.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Every house has this drawer
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife