thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood