I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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