My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
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[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
the three genders
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Yes, but it was never about money
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions