We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
All generalizations are stupid.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.