[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
at ease…shoulder.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I love the National Park Service.