God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
You Might Also Like
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Introverted vegans go meetless
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“you changed” bro i was 15
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
welcome back
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Worst perfume name ever.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING