Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit