Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide