[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea